Some Things Never Change

Some things (in Perth or otherwise, never change.

Like rubber necking. Gawking at an accident. Slowing down, making a nuisance of yourself and then once the desire of inquisition is satisfied, one speeds up to the required road speed and life goes on.

This afternoon on the way home from work I drove up Tonkin Highway and headed North. Whilst at the lights at the Leach Highway intersection, I could see cars slowing down already. I knew there must have been an incident further up the road. The stretch between Leach Highway and Great Eastern Highway is 100 km/hr. About 300m past the intersection I slowed down to second gear and to 30 km/hr. For the next few kilometres, that is how it went.

Now, for those that don't know, Tonkin Highway is a dual carriageway and not often does the speed of surrounding vehicles drop below 80 km/hr. It was refreshing to actually putt along and see how boggy the median is, to read the advertising on the side of the road, to see how huge the green road signs actually are and how bumpy the joins in the road are. I got to take it all in. For the first time in a long time, I wasn't angered about going slowly. It was slow, but it was consistent for almost the whole time.

So on I go, at this lowered speed. I see blue and red lights, a fire truck, two massive tow trucks and a completely anhialated four-wheel-drive. You know, the old white Toyota 75 series utes. However, it was on the OTHER SIDE of Tonkin Highway, heading South. As usual, Perth drivers at their best, just rubber necking, and slowing down progress.

Sick Revenge

I read a little story today from one of my friends, Neil. Always good value and always lovely to catch up with him, he's a hard man to get hold of as he travels the country almost non-stop. This is from his blog. Enjoy.

So I get off the plane in Melbourne with a six and a half hour stop over.

What to do?
Melbourne has great Chinese food, so it would only be right to get myself a good feed.

Into the heart of Melbourne I trek.
A bus ride and a walk later I am in the heart of china town.
There is a little restaurant I like called “china inn”. It has great BBQ pork and fantastic hananeise chicken rice.
Divine.
I walk for about two k’s to get a feed of this heavenly cuisine, I am not disappointed!
I wolf down a fat-inducing meal of taste bud overload Chinese and I’m off.
What has this to do with revenge you might ask.
Nothing really, it was just a really good feed of Chinese.
I climb on the bus back to the plane, an uneventful trip really. (Well, there is a guy who looks like someone I know on the bus and I have missed the two busses I had planned to catch because I was drinking with locals, but anyhow).
I rock up to Melbourne airport at 8pm ready to board an airplane to come home.
Home.
How I miss home.
Anyhow. (This is a drunken story, can you tell)?
I had grabbed a window seat at the back of the plane when I booked. None of the front seats were available, but I wanted a window.
From the two years of travelling I have noticed that the rear seats on the plane are reserved for people with kids.
I got no issue with that, most of the time it is quite quiet, with most people able to chill the kids out, or the kids being nice and quiet.
Not this time.
From the moment we boarded the kid in front of us screamed.
The parents seemed to be oblivious at first.
Then as the child screamed for each parent they would respond.
I was dismayed.
I thought that the parents would be able to control their child to some degree, but not these.
Each time the child screamed for something they gave it.
Once they realised the child was not going to stop screaming they threatened the child with violence.
How the fuck do you think you can get away with threatening violence to a child on an airplane?
How are you going to smack your child?
There is not enough room to stretch your arms let alone beat a problematic sprog dump.
Yet they threatened.
By the time my “swipe your card to watch the" movie started everyone was looking at them.
They had the child that would be the catalyst for the journey home.
The children around us had started to sook just as the child in front did.
Each time the child in front whined so did the other fucking lambs.
More threats, more cries, more threats to smack its arse, more cries.
For fuck sake, hit it, slap it, punch it, ask the hostess to stick it in the bin. Just shut the fucker up!
A whole plane load of children are watching, a whole plane load of people waiting.
Finally quiet. Finally peace.
An hour of fucked up whining when it hits me.
I had about five hours in Melb.
I had not only nice Chinese, but nice beer.
Lots of nice beer.
I like beer.
I walked for about five hours, each time I passed a pub I would grab a pint.
If you could see my spelling pre posting you would know I am writing this pissed.
Anyhow.
I nearly missed the plane due to Carlton draught.
Bloody Carlton draught you might think!
But no.
I boarded the plane and continued on my merry beer consumption way.
After sitting in the seat, when the child first cried I pulled out my pen and made stabbing motions.
The kind of stabbing motions that would be accompanied by the music(?) from “Psycho”.
“Rreek. Rreek, Rreek”
Everybody around me laughed.
We all could see this satanic child for what he was.
A flight destroyer.
Raised by retards to annoy the world.
No lamb shanks on the menu, I have sandwiches.
The plane is finally peaceful.

For nearly six hours I have been drinking beer.
I ate Chinese food.
I had to burp.
It was a small one, I smelt it and realised its potential.
(You know where I am going don’t you)?
I looked around the plane at each of the people that had been annoyed at not only the child, but the parent’s inability to control this satanic creature and I had an idea.
I burped again, this time a little bigger.
Toxic.
And again, only this time I kept my mouth closed. My cheeks puffed at the pressure, but my lips never unsealed.
I leant forward, AND BETWEEN THE SEATS I GENTLY BLEW, RELEASING THE TOXIC BBQ PORK CHICKEN RICE WIND into the row in front of me.
The row of the demonic child, (let's call him Damian).
No one moved.
I leant back and continued to Watch my movie. (Iron man).
Game on.
Damian was falling asleep by now.
Each time I had a burp bubble over I held it in my mouth to blow into the seat in front of me.
Each time I watched Damien’s fathers head turn and look at Damian.
As my BBQ pork burps fester to explosion I would pass them into the demons space with a smile on my face.
Each time father of Damian would look at his son.
He leant over to his wife and said something.
Her and Damian swapped seats.
The seat next to me was empty.
The guy two seats up had been in on the pen stabbing joke, time to bring him to the next level.
I pulled the pen out again, motioned for his attention, stabbed a couple of times as I burped into my mouth and then showed him I was burping between the seats.
He laughed.
My next big burp I leant over and placed carefully between him and the middle set.
Damien’s mum moved quickly.
Damian got the “have you poo'd your pants" pat and then we laughed.
The guys behind me figured out what was going and I got the thumbs up.
Damian was moved to his dads lap.
Each and every burp was quietly loaded into my mouth and gently blown into Damien’s peaceful space.
I watch Damien’s parents check his pants about ten times thinking he had shit his pants.
Thank you Chinese food.
These people who had not been interested in quietening their son until he could not be quieted spent the whole flight thinking he had shit himself because of my Chinese burps.
The two guys behind me and the guy in my row spent our flight watching movies and laughing each time I burped.
I developed a system where I would raise my hand, check that they were watching and then burp.
I think this is the best revenge I have ever had.
Harmless and justified....

Hanging Out with the Man

I've really been enjoying myself the last few weeks. Even though work is uncertain and the GFC (Global Financial Crisis, not the Geelong Football Club) is taking its toll on industry, I have had enough time and spirit to enjoy myself and those around me. I have spoken to or at least emailed those which I miss most and will make time to catch up, and of course I have been hanging out with Robin.

The weather has been warming up greatly with the first hot day of the season about two weeks ago. Summer really does come out of nowhere in Perth. I have been riding the bike more, going out more and generally having fun.

Spending time on the bikes: here, there and everywhere

The piano is also sold and there is room in the house, I have also been saving lots of money and hopefully I will be moving out with Robin in the next few months. I'm already looking forward to finding somewhere nice, a little villa in Rivervale perhaps, close to the city and close to work (povo Perth International Airport) with room for all the toys and perhaps even a BMW 8 series.

Good news is that the sales and marketing team (including me) are going to be moving offices to the upper level of the "Gate 1" complex on the other end of Horrie Miller Drives. Even better news is that Nandos is going to be opening up on the ground floor along with Subway and Dome. Miiiiint!

International Visitors

Last week I had the pleasure of having Pete back over from Sweden for a whirlwind tour of Australia with two fellow designers, Camilla and Patrik.

It was great to catch up for dinner at the Bluewater Grill in Applecross (a place I will definitely visit again). I shared a seafood platter for two and enjoyed every bite! I highly recommend trying the cuttlefish!

It was also Pete's Birthday on the 8th of October and I will make an effort to stock up at the Margaret River Chocolate Factory and send some chocolates over to Sweden.

In other news, I caught up with Ben on Thursday night for dinner and a few beverages in Mount Lawley. He had come back home for two weeks from Tanzania. It was great to hear of all the stories and how much fun he is having over there and that the work is a lot more rewarding than fly-in/fly-out of Plutonic.

All this travel has got me thinking of heading overseas again, this time for Jess and Joel's wedding in Koh Samui next September. Here's the plan...

September 24-26 Singapore Forumla 1 Grand Prix, Singapore
September 27-October 2, Koh Samui, Thailand
October 3-11, Bangkok, Thailand
October 12-19, Hong Kong *maybe*
October 20-26, Sepang Moto GP, Kuala Lumpur, Malaysia

Four weeks, Four countries. It would be the most awesome month of travel.